Or Why I am going to start blogging about my children a little less and maybe not at all.
When I think of the word “Vulnerable” or “What it means to be vulnerable”, I immediately think Mya Angelou, Brene Brown ( If you haven’t listened to her TEDx talk about the power of vulnerability you need to) and my daughter Olivia. Sharing your truth can be extremely scary….I know trust me. It is scary to talk about things when you don’t how other people are going to react. Speaking of Mental illness, domestic violence, disability, drugs etc.
There are a few topics that hit close to home for me – body image, depression and estranged families to name a few. The time when I was in deep depression and struggled with day to day activities and the one I recently learned about myself or should I say still learning.
Being Vulnerable whilst blogging is not easy.
There is an insatiable hunger in our culture for true stories, especially where vulnerability is concerned. Where stories are real, raw, and written extensively. We live in the digital age when everybody and their cat has a blog.
When I began blogging my main goal was primarily sharing tales of receiving a life-altering diagnosis and raising a child with cerebral palsy. All whilst navigating the thick fog of depression. Placing myself slap bang in the middle of feeling vulnerable. What I didn’t realise at the time was how it would affect my mental health in a negative way.
Vulnerability is having the courage to speak the truth which isn’t always comfortable. At the same time the backlash from it became unbearable and over time it tore me down. You can pretend something’s not there, but it’s still going to be there. Self-awareness is uncomfortable. Revisiting trauma daily hasn’t been easy, I have used my blog as a journal whenever I felt overwhelmed. I have written about difficult family matters, postnatal depression and premature birth. Along with the appreciative comments came the horrible ones, ones which doubted me as a “good” mother, ones where my integrity was questioned.
“We’re real people”
Put aside the niggling emotions after I hit publish there is also the danger debate. I follow a LOT of mummy bloggers one of whom is Anna Saconne Joly 1/2 of the amazing duo that makes sacconejoly. She recently tweeted out about the continuous online abuse her children receive. Strangers have contacted social services, tried to find which schools her children attend and so much more horrific actions. It really got me thinking how dangerous this online world can be. Abuse towards myself I can handle I just ignore it to be honest however if my children were targeted I wouldn’t be able to.
And so Like most things in life and maybe because I am a Gemini (people think we’re tougher than we are) I felt like my vulnerability had been taken advantage off. On top of that a few months ago I was nominated for a SENblog award. Initially, I was overwhelmed but then imposter syndrome set in I began to feel anxious. So many incredible people were creating content based solely on children with disabilities which made me think I didn’t want my blog to go down that road. I just can not write about trauma every single day, the challenges we face as a family and so on.
Vulnerability is never a weakness, even when it feels scary and uncomfortable. Although writing about past trauma helped in one way it made me who I am today it also made me who I am today. If that makes sense? Somebody who suffers from severe anxiety and bouts of depression. I want to write content about mental health, self-care, mindfulness, wellness. Eventually, I might return to writing about past trauma but first I have to heal from it.
So, for now, I’m on my own journey to accept those vulnerable feelings, releasing pressure on who I think I’m supposed to be and embracing who I am.
Here’s to exploring who you are unapologetically.
So what does Vulnerability mean to you?